Third Chances…

Jump to Comments

are for the naive.

I am going to sound super angry– no perhaps bitter is a better word. I’d give anyone a second chance– we all make mistakes, right?  And sometimes all it takes is that second chance for someone to bounce back. But I don’t really believe in a third chance. I say really because I desperately want to be optimistic that people can change– that a third chance is worth something; however,  history seems to repeat itself and nothing is ever transformed. And I end up feeling like the fool– a dumb fool– someone who can’t grasp the reality of the situation. Which, by the way, totally isn’t my style.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m at this crossroad. I think. I worry. I think. I worry. I wish someone would just tell me how to react, how to process all my conflicting emotions. More than anything, I wish I wasn’t so angry. Ever since I gave up on multiple chances– and took off some mighty thick “blinders”– I have exposed myself to some hard truths: Everything is not all right. And nothing will ever be the same again. Sometimes I feel tortured by my thoughts. And other times I am relieved that I can finally see– and have chosen to no longer be part of a broken and vicious cycle of trust and love. I wish I had more answers, and I wish my last memories weren’t emails neatly filed away in a binder. But I supposes this is what it’s like dealing with a loss.

The most important thing to me is not letting the anger win. As soon as I feel it bubbling within me– I take a deep breath and try my hardest to calm down. I don’t want to lead my life with spite. I don’t want to be talking about this five years from now still– outraged. I want to let it go– to be able to look at a photo and not feel this burning fury. In the beginning  I missed and longed for an explanation– tried so hard to get some sort of acknowledgment of love.

But now–

I simply hate.

I hate him.

1 Comment

Filed under anger, life, thoughts