Yeah, yeah, yeah, don’t bother me, it’s been way too long. I know. I’m outa excuses– you’ve heard em all: work, play, life, ect. So I am just going to ignore this awkward introduction (missed you too) and get to it.
In the last month I’ve been faced with a few– hm, challenges? I don’t know if “challenge” is the right word. To me a “challenge” is something that you truly have to work your damned hardest to overcome. I’m talking blood, sweat, tears. Winning the championship. Mourning a death. Moving on from the past. I’ve been challenged throughout my life– and have always been able to rise above and conquer all. Aren’t I amazing? Not. Most of these challenges were school related. Hard AP classes. Taking two foreign languages in high school (which I long to remember). 10 classes per semester in college. Yeah– big nerd who liked to keep busy and challenged in school. Of course there were a few “life” challenges that have come and gone. Those challenges definitely left a few invisible scars– badges of survival.
What I have encountered this past month aren’t challenges. Instead I’d call them– the unknown (plural). I’ve become so comfortable with my life– my routine, my circle of friends, my job, my life– I am scared, no petrified, of the unknown. Eek. This isn’t that new for me. When I was three years old, my parents took my sisters and I sledding. My Dad plopped me down on the sled in front of him. And off we went– down the big, scary, snowy hill. I cried–hysterically may I add– the entire (felt like forever) 30 second fearful flight. I got off that sled and dragged my little sled to a bump– seriously. The slide couldn’t even go up or down it. It was a little pile of snow (a couple of shovels worth). And as I dragged my sled over, my Dad tried coaxing me to go down the “big” hill again. But I said, weepy yet with smidgen of confidence– “I like small things, I like gentle things.” This motto has become a family joke. My sisters poke fun at me every now and then when I say something prissy– mimicking my three-year old motto.
My problem is conquering the unknown. I hate being nervous. Awkward situations. It’s like the speech class I took in college. And the speeches we’d have to give once per every other week. I’d be sweaty palms, pitchy voice, want-to-call-out-sick, nervous. Or my first job interview. The first time I met Ryan’s family. My anxiety would be so high I’d hyperventilate. But once I gave the speech, went on the interview, got to know the fam I’d be fine. Let out a huge sigh of relief. I’d think to myself, “I’m glad I did it.” Ah-ha, I’m glad I did it. That’s the key– thinking about how good I’ll feel once I conquer it. For some reason this month has been filled with these little moments. And as much as I want to bail, as painful the anxiety is up to the point of the event or moment, I know I will be glad I did it. These moments make me stronger– give me more confidence. It’s time Johanna shakes things up– steps outa the comfort zone– and goes down that big ol’ hill.
Here’s to me, Johanna-the-Conquerer, taking some major leaps this month. Godspeed.
Does this face look happy?
1 Comment
June 5, 2008 at 5:08 pm
This is my favorite post so far. I read it twice. “I like small things…I like gentle things.”